"We've been dating for years," said a jubilant Winfrey.
Chicago - Monday August 10th
By David Sutherland for SarcasticDBag.Blogspot.com
Oprah Winfrey revealed today that she has been in a secret relationship with Shawn (Jay-Z) Carter for almost 8 years, and that the couple will appear together on the cover of next month's issue of O! Magazine.
“I have some disagreements with the music, but I love him,” Winfrey gushed to her longtime friend and radio host Gayle King. "He's so charming and delightful and he smells so good. It’s that kinda thing where you hug a guy and his scent is buried in him."
The couple made headlines yesterday when members of the paparazzi snapped photos of the two millionaires visiting Jay-Z's childhood home in the Marcy Housing Projects in Brooklyn. They were believed to be spending time at Jay-Z's grandmother's house where the rapper spent the majority of his youth before he made it big in the music business.
"It was so cute, seeing them visit Jay's grandma's house," said Michelle Donaldson, who is one of Oprah's personal assistants. "I haven't seen her this happy in ages. When she's with Jay she just glows!"
Oprah's happiness comes at Beyonce Knowles' expense however, as the popular singer and wife of Jay-Z had a lot invested in her marriage with the Brooklyn rapper. According to several sources close to Beyonce, knowledge of her rampant lesbianism is a well guarded secret that her relationship with Jay-Z was designed to cover.
"That whole Beyonce thing was just a mirage," said Jay-Z's longtime friend Tah Tah. "Everyone knows B's a lesbian and that Jay has been seeing Oprah since he dropped The Blueprint back in 2001."
"Yeah, B is girl crazy," said Beyonce's former band mate and close friend Kelly Rowland. "I remember when she used to go through 2 or 3 girls a night when we on tour. Her relationship with Jay provided her with the perfect cover to just dyke the f*ck out, and it worked for him too, cause he got to spend time with his girl Oprah."
With this information made public it looks like Jay-Z and Beyonce's marriage was the most elaborately conceived marital scam since Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes wed in the summer of 2005.
Keeping the secret hidden from the public proved too much for Winfrey to handle however, and she nearly revealed the affair at President Obama's inauguration in January. Luckily that plan was quashed when Jay-Z decided against going public at that particular moment out of respect for the new president, as he didn't want to distract the media from the unprecedented event of a black man being sworn in as commander in chief.
"It was just so awkward sitting there so close to Jay and Beyonce and not being able to do anything," Oprah confessed. "I know Obama's inauguration was a historical moment but I have to admit all I was thinking at the time was 'To hell with this light skinned Obama n*gga, I'm in love with Jay-Z'."
The freshly outed couple plans to wed in December after Jay-Z finishes touring in support of his new album The Blueprint 3. The new issue of O! Magazine highlighting the couple's relationship hits newsstands on September 1st.
Written by David Sutherland for SarcasticDBag.Blogspot.com
THIS IS FAKE NEWS
For more fake news, click here.
Contact: DSuth313@gmail.com
1 comments:
For a minute I thought this was real.
Very funny
Post a Comment