New Chevrolet Volt gets 230 miles per gallon, destroys Decepticons

The revolutionary new electric car has unprecedented mileage/Decepticon killing capabilities.

Detroit - August 13th 2009

By David Sutherland for SarcasticDBag.Blogspot.com

After worrying millions of Americans with bankruptcy troubles earlier this year, auto giant General Motors is ready to make a full comeback with their revolutionary new electric car that also doubles as a Decepticon-slaughtering transforming Autobot.

"Having a car that gets triple-digit fuel economy can and will be a game changer for us," said GM CEO Fritz Henderson. "And let's not forget the fact that these sweet-ass rides can destroy a Decepticon in under ten seconds."

The thousand-year-long war between Autobots and Decepticons has recently affected the citizens of Earth as some 10,000 humans have perished since the planet became a hotly contested battleground for the sentient robots from Cybertron. However, the ongoing feud between rival factions of robotic aliens has not stopped General Motors from designing innovative new vehicles for the changing consumer habits of humanoids everywhere.

"At General Motors we design our vehicles with a 'consumer first' kind of mentality," said Henderson. "That's why our engineers have created a vehicle with the economy, the environment, and the inevitable Decepticon induced holocaust in mind."

Environmental advocacy groups across the country have praised the Volt for its green friendly approach to driving, and pre-orders for the car are strong in environmentally conscious cities like San Franciso.

The U.S. Military has also endorsed the Volt and has ordered five hundred vehicles for transporting high-ranking officers and other V.I.P's, which is a challenge that the GM CEO thinks their new car is more than up for.

"The Decepticons have proven that they're a legitimate threat to the existence of the human race, so thankfully the Volt comes equipped with the latest developments in Autobot weaponry, as well as an iPod dock and a programmable GPS," said a jubilant Henderson. "What's most impressive though, is that most Volt drivers will operate on a daily basis without having to use a single drop of gas."

Initial gas mileage reports for the Volt are truly spectacular, and if it performs like the GM executives say it will, the car should leave leading competitors like Toyota and Ford in the dust.

"The Volt's mileage is incredile when compared to other cars," Henderson beamed. "For example, the Toyota Prius only gets 46 mpg, while the Ford Escape Hybrid gets a meager 34.
And neither of these cars can transform into a fully functioning Autobot that can save humanity from eternal enslavement by the evil hordes of Megatron's Decepticon army."

The fully equipped Chevrolet Volt is scheduled to go on sale in late 2010 for around $40,000.

As of press time, representatives for neither Ford, Toyota or the Decepticons were available for comment.

This is fake news.

Written by David Sutherland for SarcasticDBag.Blogspot.com

For more fake news, click here.

Let the Healing Begin!

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.

How hip-hop is the Obama Administration? A possible racially motivated arrest turns into a PR nightmare for the president and his crew, so in order to smooth things out, they knock back a few beers and shoot the shit on some crappy patio furniture. What's up with that anyways? Not the sit down, but the Wal-Mart looking table and chair set that the most powerful man in the world is sitting at. It better be made out of Thomas Jefferson's bones.

If you ask me they should've drank Olde English on a stoop in Brooklyn, but no one ever asks me. I hope this important moment in American history eradicates racism for ever.

The Game is "Back" on Interscope but Does That Really Mean Anything Anymore?

Does a record deal with a record label mean anything anymore, or has the long arm of corporate ownership produced one big company where affiliations are merely symbolic? Two artists - The Game and Drake - represent both the best and worst aspects of this system.

After The Game dropped the multi-platinum album The Documentary on Interscope Records in 2005, he was quickly shifted over to Geffen Records once the beef with his G-Unit labelmates became too heated. Since then, both of The Game's follow-up records - The Doctor's Advocate and L.A.X. - have helped fill to the coffers at the house David built. This business relationship has now changed however, and according to The Game's manager Jimmy Rosemond, the rapper's new album The R.E.D. will be packaged with the Interscope brand and not Geffen's. But what's the difference?

You see, Interscope owns Geffen, and Universal Music Group owns Interscope, so Game's shift "back" to Interscope is merely a symbolic gesture signifying that The Game has served his time down on Geffen Records and is ready to come back to the big leagues. But it's the same league.



What it boils down to is that record labels have a lot riding on brand differentiation and maintaining the illusion of competition and hierarchy in the corporate world. What Game has accomplished by moving to Interscope is equivalent to moving from the basement apartment to the penthouse. However, it's still the same building and all that rent money goes to the same group of people at the start of every month.

A real shift in Game's corporate affiliation would have seen the Compton rapper ditch the "Big Four" record label model and sign directly to an alternative form of music distribution. These alternative methods of moving music are quickly becoming the most desirable way to release content, because recording contracts with the "Big Four" are viewed as an obsolete way to make a buck in the entertainment industry.

In today's music industry, if an artist truly wants to make money and blanket the world with his or her product, a business savvy rapper has to embrace the best aspects of both the new and old systems. Although nothing of what I just wrote is revelatory or particularly useful, following the wheelings and dealings of the career of Toronto rapper Drake is.



The Toronto rapper Drake has come a long way since his days as a teen star on the television series "Degrassi: The Next Generation". After turning a huge mixtape buzz into huge mixtape revenue - his single "Best I Ever Had" has sold over 600,000 copies on iTunes - the young rapper inked a deal with Universal Music Group to distribute his product. However, while Drake may have signed with a major, his deal is far from the conventional business model that artists like The Game are still clinging to, and the rapper has an ambitious plan to sell his music in Canada.

In an interview with TheBoombox.com Drake spoke about his unconventional plan for getting his music out there in Canada, stating that "I want to distribute my album in Canada over cell phones so everybody on the network will get a text the day my album comes out. In Canada everybody belongs to one phone company."

The motivations behind Drake's desire to switch up the traditional distribution model lie in the untapped commercial potential of mobile marketing, and his goal is to make a big mark on the Canadian record industry in a different kind of way. What lies behind this is his drive to be successful, and he ads that "Really, what I would love to do is sell a million records out here because that has never been done. Platinum in is 100, 000 records. So if I could sell a million records, which I think it's possible, to go 10 times platinum in would be crazy."

As a Canadian cell phone owner, I assure you that Drake's assessment of the phone industry up here is not exactly accurate, and there are about 3 major mobile phone companies in Canada. But if Drake did manage to ink a deal with Canadian industry leader Rogers/Fido, that might be enough to make his musical dreams of going "diamond" up North come true. Consequently, his relationship with the telecommunications industry would herald in a new era of corporate partnership and marketing strategies.

Much of the credit for Drake's successful business dealings should go to Cortez Bryant and the management team Hip Hop Since 1978. Because of their business prowess, Drake's team engineered a deal where the rapper maintains ownership of all his material while also garnering a high percentage of the revenues from sales. According to the Los Angeles Times, Universal awarded Drake a $2-million advance, the control of his publishing rights, and 75% of his sales revenue. Clearly, Drake and his team have managed to manipulate the music industry to create a situation where both the old and new industry styles come together to put the artist first. For a new artist, Drake's deal is probably the best anyone has ever had.



To conclude, The Game is trapped in a world where corporate and label allegiances are manufactured to maintain the illusion of competition, while Drake is set to flourish through brand synergy and unconventional product distribution. The conclusions that should be drawn from this comparison is that there is still a lot of money to be made in the music industry, but the business model has changed. And although people have been saying that for years, Drake's ascension to stardom and his savvy management is proof that the new model can work.

Hopefully he doesn't flop.

- David Sutherland for SarcasticDBag.Blogspot.com