New Chevrolet Volt gets 230 miles per gallon, destroys Decepticons

The revolutionary new electric car has unprecedented mileage/Decepticon killing capabilities.

Detroit - August 13th 2009

By David Sutherland for SarcasticDBag.Blogspot.com

After worrying millions of Americans with bankruptcy troubles earlier this year, auto giant General Motors is ready to make a full comeback with their revolutionary new electric car that also doubles as a Decepticon-slaughtering transforming Autobot.

"Having a car that gets triple-digit fuel economy can and will be a game changer for us," said GM CEO Fritz Henderson. "And let's not forget the fact that these sweet-ass rides can destroy a Decepticon in under ten seconds."

The thousand-year-long war between Autobots and Decepticons has recently affected the citizens of Earth as some 10,000 humans have perished since the planet became a hotly contested battleground for the sentient robots from Cybertron. However, the ongoing feud between rival factions of robotic aliens has not stopped General Motors from designing innovative new vehicles for the changing consumer habits of humanoids everywhere.

"At General Motors we design our vehicles with a 'consumer first' kind of mentality," said Henderson. "That's why our engineers have created a vehicle with the economy, the environment, and the inevitable Decepticon induced holocaust in mind."

Environmental advocacy groups across the country have praised the Volt for its green friendly approach to driving, and pre-orders for the car are strong in environmentally conscious cities like San Franciso.

The U.S. Military has also endorsed the Volt and has ordered five hundred vehicles for transporting high-ranking officers and other V.I.P's, which is a challenge that the GM CEO thinks their new car is more than up for.

"The Decepticons have proven that they're a legitimate threat to the existence of the human race, so thankfully the Volt comes equipped with the latest developments in Autobot weaponry, as well as an iPod dock and a programmable GPS," said a jubilant Henderson. "What's most impressive though, is that most Volt drivers will operate on a daily basis without having to use a single drop of gas."

Initial gas mileage reports for the Volt are truly spectacular, and if it performs like the GM executives say it will, the car should leave leading competitors like Toyota and Ford in the dust.

"The Volt's mileage is incredile when compared to other cars," Henderson beamed. "For example, the Toyota Prius only gets 46 mpg, while the Ford Escape Hybrid gets a meager 34.
And neither of these cars can transform into a fully functioning Autobot that can save humanity from eternal enslavement by the evil hordes of Megatron's Decepticon army."

The fully equipped Chevrolet Volt is scheduled to go on sale in late 2010 for around $40,000.

As of press time, representatives for neither Ford, Toyota or the Decepticons were available for comment.

This is fake news.

Written by David Sutherland for SarcasticDBag.Blogspot.com

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NEWS IN BRIEF: Town Hall Health Care Meetings Prove that Democracy is Retarded

Two thousand-year-old political system's flaws made obvious when any old asshole is allowed to speak their mind.

News in Brief - New York - Tuesday August 11th 2009

By David Sutherland for SarcasticDBag.Blogspot.com

The merit of the two thousand-year-old style of political rule practiced by everyone from the ancient Greeks to the modern Iraqis has been called into question this week as almost two thirds of Americans expressed their discontent with a system that grants the right for any citizen to say some of the most retarded shit ever conceived.

These shocking revelations about democracy's inadequacy come as a response to congressional town hall meetings held around the country on the topic of government run health care; an issue that a small segment of Americans have used as an excuse to act like a bunch of fucking morons.

"Dark skinned, big eared havin' Kenyans shouldn't be pushing their socialist bullshit on true red blooded Americans," said John Henderson, a part-time mechanic from Topeka, Kansas. "Government run health care is just like government run marriage: it's a bunch of cappuccino sipping liberal fags trying to fuck you up the ass."

Although the proposed 1,000 page health care reform bill contains no mention of the words "cappuccino" or "ass fucking" a disproportionate amount of town hall meeting attendees share Mr. Henderson's views.

"The America I know and love is not one in which my parents or my baby with Down Syndrome will have to stand in front of Obama’s “death panel” so his bureaucrats can decide, based on a subjective judgment of their 'level of productivity in society,' whether they are worthy of health care," said Sarah, an unemployed woman from Alaska. "Such a system is downright evil."

This disturbing trend of mind-numbing fuckery has left journalists, academics and intelligent level-headed citizens alike wondering how they can replace the evidently fragile and defective democratic process.

"It is the absolute height of irony that the inane opinions of these town hall participants who are scared to death of totalitarianism might actually push the majority of Americans to reconsider democracy as the founding principle of our republic," said Harvard associate political science professor Ashley Grant. "I can't believe that 2009 will go down as the year that the United States abandoned democracy because of a bunch of fucking morons with the constitutional fucking right to free speech."

According to a New York Times/CBS poll, 72 percent of Americans are not satisfied with the practices of private insurance companies, and wholeheartedly support a government run health care system. However, this statistic has gone largely unnoticed because of the mainstream media's incessant coverage of the skull-fuckingly dumb opinions of the other 28 percent.

Written by David Sutherland for SarcasticDBag.Blogspot.com

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Jay-Z and Oprah Admit to Longtime Affair

"We've been dating for years," said a jubilant Winfrey.

Chicago - Monday August 10th

By David Sutherland for SarcasticDBag.Blogspot.com

Oprah Winfrey revealed today that she has been in a secret relationship with Shawn (Jay-Z) Carter for almost 8 years, and that the couple will appear together on the cover of next month's issue of O! Magazine.

“I have some disagreements with the music, but I love him,” Winfrey gushed to her longtime friend and radio host Gayle King. "He's so charming and delightful and he smells so good. It’s that kinda thing where you hug a guy and his scent is buried in him."

The couple made headlines yesterday when members of the paparazzi snapped photos of the two millionaires visiting Jay-Z's childhood home in the Marcy Housing Projects in Brooklyn. They were believed to be spending time at Jay-Z's grandmother's house where the rapper spent the majority of his youth before he made it big in the music business.

"It was so cute, seeing them visit Jay's grandma's house," said Michelle Donaldson, who is one of Oprah's personal assistants. "I haven't seen her this happy in ages. When she's with Jay she just glows!"

Oprah's happiness comes at Beyonce Knowles' expense however, as the popular singer and wife of Jay-Z had a lot invested in her marriage with the Brooklyn rapper. According to several sources close to Beyonce, knowledge of her rampant lesbianism is a well guarded secret that her relationship with Jay-Z was designed to cover.

"That whole Beyonce thing was just a mirage," said Jay-Z's longtime friend Tah Tah. "Everyone knows B's a lesbian and that Jay has been seeing Oprah since he dropped The Blueprint back in 2001."

"Yeah, B is girl crazy," said Beyonce's former band mate and close friend Kelly Rowland. "I remember when she used to go through 2 or 3 girls a night when we on tour. Her relationship with Jay provided her with the perfect cover to just dyke the f*ck out, and it worked for him too, cause he got to spend time with his girl Oprah."

With this information made public it looks like Jay-Z and Beyonce's marriage was the most elaborately conceived marital scam since Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes wed in the summer of 2005.

Keeping the secret hidden from the public proved too much for Winfrey to handle however, and she nearly revealed the affair at President Obama's inauguration in January. Luckily that plan was quashed when Jay-Z decided against going public at that particular moment out of respect for the new president, as he didn't want to distract the media from the unprecedented event of a black man being sworn in as commander in chief.

"It was just so awkward sitting there so close to Jay and Beyonce and not being able to do anything," Oprah confessed. "I know Obama's inauguration was a historical moment but I have to admit all I was thinking at the time was 'To hell with this light skinned Obama n*gga, I'm in love with Jay-Z'."

The freshly outed couple plans to wed in December after Jay-Z finishes touring in support of his new album The Blueprint 3. The new issue of O! Magazine highlighting the couple's relationship hits newsstands on September 1st.

Written by David Sutherland for SarcasticDBag.Blogspot.com

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Mase Recalls the Days When a Beating From a Wu-Tang Clan Member Actually Meant Something

The Harlem rapper says Joe Budden's recent beatdown shows the fragile state of hip-hop/Raekwon

New York - August 9th

By David Sutherland for SarcasticDBag.Blogspot.com

"You know, a beating from a member of the Wu-Tang Clan really used to mean something," a visibly perturbed Mase said as he clicked through various video clips and photos of Joe Budden being assaulted on his chrome Macbook Pro.

Mase is of course referring to a fight that occurred last night between Joe Budden and members of Raekwon's entourage on the Los Angeles leg of the Rock the Bells Tour.

According to sources close to the Budden camp, Joe, and Brooklyn rapper Mickey Factz were doing a live online broadcast in their backstage dressing room when Raekwon and several members of his entourage entered the room uninvited. It is believed that peaceful words were initially exchanged between Raekwon and Budden, and it is unclear what lead to Budden being assaulted by one of Rae's crew members.

As the news of this attack hit the internet, the hip-hop community responded in many different ways, and everyone's favorite rapper-turned-pastor turned-rapper from Harlem was visibly shaken by Raekwon's actions.

"I'm just praying that Raekwon has the strength to recover from this incident and move on with his career," Mase said. "It's not every day you roll up on someone with your whole goon squad and only give a n*gga a black eye. Man, Rae is straight slippin' son."

Although this recent attack has had many prominent members of the hip-hop community calling for a stop to all violence within the genre, Mason "Mase" Betha interprets the event as a sign that the genre of hip-hop is dying. His opinion echoes the sentiments of numerous other industry figures who long for a time when rap music was about the music, and beatdowns by the Wu-Tang Clan left you in the hospital for at least 3 weeks.

"N*ggas used to get their asses whooped by Wu-Tang's entourage's entourage, and now Rae's personal goons can barely mess a dude up back stage at their own show," Mase said with a hint of distress in his voice. "Hip-hop has really gone down hill man. I fear for the life of the genre when a guy walks away from a Wu beating with just a scratch on his eye."

"Sh*t, I remember when I badmouthed Ghostface Killah at a show onetime and I spent the next 6 weeks with my jaw wired shut," Mase stated. "What an experience that was. You know, to be beat down so severely by a hip-hop legend."

"Why do you think I sound so f*cking stupid," Mase asked as he showed where the metal plates were installed in his left jaw bone. "You think I want to rap the way I do? I once heard Puff say to a reporter that my voice was a product of my Harlem swagger. Wrong. It's a product of a Staten Island face stompin', and I'm damn proud."

"How many people can say they got a good old fashioned Wu beatdown? Obviously not Joe Budden. I feel bad for the dude."



As of press time, Joe Budden's representatives declined to comment on this non-incident, while Raekwon is in the process of auditioning for a newer, tougher, entourage.

The Rock the Bells tour is set to hit San Francisco this afternoon at the Shoreline Amplitheatre.

By David Sutherland for SarcasticDBag.Blogspot.com

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Brisco's Robbers Disappointed with their Crime, Intended to Rob Flo-Rida

Assailants upset with both the quantity and quality of Brisco's possessions.

Miami - August 6th 2009

Dade County rapper Brisco - real name British Alexander Mitchell - was robbed last week by a group of men in a Miami barbershop at 6301 NW Sixth Ave.

According to police reports, Brisco was in the process of having his hair cut when four armed assailants stormed the barbershop and stole more than $35,000 in jewelry, $1,000 dollars in cash, and the rapper's Range Rover.

Police have made one arrest in connection with the robbery, and have interviewed the alleged ringleader of the heist who was very vocal about the incident.

As it turns out, the mid-week robbery was merely a case of mistaken identity.

Speaking anonymously from his cell at the Metro West Detention Center, the unnamed suspect assumed that he was robbing multi-platinum rapper Flo-Rida.

"Yeah, we thought were robbing Flo-Rida cause that muthaf*ckas got bread, but it turns out we robbed some bum ass rapper named Brisco. He didn't even have a drop. All he had was a Range, and that sh*t was leased." The suspect continued his tirade about the quality of Brisco's possessions, exclaiming "A f*cking Range Rover! I know it’s a recession, but god damn, I was expecting a drop top Mercedes at the very minimum. This is Miami."

The whole robbery appears to have been plagued by confusion as the suspect was surprised that Brisco even had a Ranger Rover and he did not recognize the rapper while he was robbing him. In fact, robbery detectives needed to show the suspect a Youtube video of Brisco with Lil Wayne before he even realized that he had assaulted someone famous.

Whatever the outcome of the situation, it is now clear that the suspect had no intention of robbing Brisco because like most Americans, he had no idea that the rapper even existed.

"I mean, who the f*ck is this dude anyways? What did his single chart, 104? Flo-Rida lives in the top ten duke. We were after that iTunes money and all this bum had was one stack. One stack! You know the economy is f*cked when a rapper only got one stack. I thought he was signed to Cash Money!"

It seems that times are tough for thugs in Miami and with all of Young Money currently headlining the America's Most Wanted Tour, local stick-up artists are desperately searching for work.

"How am I supposed to make a living in this town?" the suspect asked as he lamented about the current Miami rap scene, "Ross is police, Wayne is never around and that goofy lookin' Stacks dude is just too easy."

The suspect does plan to learn from his mistakes however, and when finally released from prison he hopes to do more research into where local rappers congregate and do business.

"I mean, hitting up that barbershop was just plain dumb. I should have known better than to try and catch Flo-Rida getting his hair cut, cause that boy's hairline is farther back than 1980."

If convicted, the suspect faces 10 years in prison.

Police are still looking for the 3 remaining suspects and if anyone has any information, please call 305-222-ROSS.

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DSuth313 reporting for SarcasticDBag.Blogspot.com

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