Some New Year's Resolutions for Hip-Hop

Well hello D-Bags. It's that time of year again where we all drag ourselves out of our deep collective Christmas hangovers and dust off our nicest shirts to partake in another overhyped shit show called New Year's Eve.

Unfortunately for all of us, with great debauchery comes great responsibility (ha!), so I've decided to create a realistic and attainable set of goals for 2010, otherwise known as New Year's resolutions.

2009 was a pretty quiet year for hip-hop in the fuckery department. Of course the usual suspects acted out: Kanye was Kanye, Wayne got arrested, sentenced, and a whole slew of girls pregnant, 50 was so disrespectful, and Nas lost...again, but all in all, nothing really disastrous happened (except for that Ri Ri beatdown).

While my own resolutions are far too personal to print on this website (jeez, get that rash checked out already!) I've compiled a small list of practical suggestions for rappers, industry-types and Dr. Dre.

Hip-hop, I hope this is sobering.

1. Never do this:

Fuck Kanye and Taylor Swift, this right here was unconscionable. Her children's children will never live this down.

Notable offenders: Lil Mama, MTV security.

2. Sober the f*ck up

I think we're at the point in hip-hop history where we'll start to see what decades of relentless blunt consumption can do to a person's body and mind. Although the genre has never hidden its love of rich greenery, it's going to get harder and harder for rappers to hide the effects of their heroic levels of weed consumption. Cut back or quit. I did 5 years ago and I'm a much better man for it.

Notable offenders: Lil Wayne (hopefully some state-sponsored sobriety will quell his lust for intoxication), Snoop Dogg (25 years of Cali bud is no joke), Nas (it's hard to pay Kelis and child support when your so lethargic you can't even promote your own album), Gucci Mane (currently in jail for an undisclosed probation violation. I'd bet the farm that it's weed-related).

3. Stop making stupid mistakes (discipline those weed carriers and goons)

Weed carriers and goon squads partake in two important and time-honoured hip-hop traditions: stashing drugs and firearms, and I hope 2010 is the year they return to prominence. The fact that both Wayne and Boosie got pinched for gun and drug possession shows that weed carriers and goons are not keeping up with the stupidity of their rapper bosses.

So here's my advice to all you rappers: either stop being dumb (easier said than done) or get some solid goons (money makes this easy).

To be fair though, there are moments when not even the most loyal weed carrier or goon can save a cocky rapper from himself. When a rapper's hubris levels are so dangerously high, only the shame and scorn from all of society coupled with a jail sentence can bring this type of rapper down to earth.

Take Lil Boosie for example:

When Boosie got booked for some minor drug and gun offences he copped a plea and was gonna probably serve a small fraction of a 2 year bid. While awaiting sentencing, Boosie was placed under house arrest, which he subsequently violated when he made 2009's best worst move and decided to attend to the BET Hip Hop Awards.

Not the Grammys, not the VMAs, not even the BET Awards. He illegally left his house for the fucking BET Hip Hop Awards!

The end result: Boosie's sentence was doubled to 4 years, effectively killing both his career and reputation. If there were a Darwin Awards for hip-hop, Boosie's unexpected appearance that night should win for the next 10 years. No goon, weed carrier, publicist or lawyer can stop that type of stupidity.

Notable offenders: Lil Boosie (dumbest rapper alive for his house arrest debacle), Lil Wayne (a recent drug possession was cleared up when his goons copped to the stash, so there are signs of improvement), Gucci Mane (Dude beat a murder charge but gets a year for violating his probation. Dumb, dumb, dumb).

4. Respect release dates

In a year of minor fuckery, it's the little things that really add up, and if there's one thing that really pissed me off this year it was the genre's blatant disrespect of the album release date. Since this problem has plagued the industry from day one, hip-hop's habitual tardiness has to change for this new decade because it's weakening the culture.

My problem with the always-changing release date is that i

nstead of generating buzz and anticipation for an album, it creates the opposite effect by actually diminishing interest. By the time the album arrives, the project's early hype has been squandered and lost in a slew of press releases announcing its delay. All relevant aspects of the album have faded.

For example: 50 Cent's Before I Self Destruct never had much going for it anyways, but after several "first" singles and date changes, the album landed with a whimper and relegated 50 to hip-hop obscurity. Of course you can't put all of the blame for Fif's brick on scheduling, but it certainly didn't help.

So artists and labels, please don't stand up your listeners anymore.

We no longer want to be in an abusive relationship and will go elsewhere (I have nowhere to go).

Movies always arrive on time...

Notable offenders: Lupe Fiasco (We Are Lazers? Lazers? Lasers? LupEND? No Xmas day mixtape), 50 Cent (BISD was plagued with release date issues from day one) Lil Wayne (Rebirth is doomed and if it wasn't for that Amazon leak, the project would never have seen the light of day) Birdman (get your story straight about We Are Young Money, Rebirth, and Carter IV)

With that said...

5. For f*ck's sake, please release Detox

I remember the days when the name Dr. Dre was synonymous with banging beats and perfectly mixed tracks, and although Dre's beats remain the pinnacle of mainstream hip-hop production, my respect level for the dude gets lower and lower (see above picture) with every year that goes by without a solid and credible Detox release date.

It's been too long.

Just mix it, master it, and fire it up.

Detox has had a great run as a punchline, but enough is enough. Drop the damn thing.

Notable offenders: Dr. Dre, Jimmy Iovine, anyone signed to Interscope, Jay-Z (for hogging studio time with Dre for the mediocre Kingdom Come).